Loophole in GOP Health Plan Gives Undocumented Peoples Insurance

Republicans won't be happy when they find out about this.

The GOP’s failure to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act raised questions about the fractured party’s ability to govern. What most people don’t know, however, is that the GOP health plan disaster also gave Democrats an opportunity to exploit the rules of Congress in a way that few pundits predicted.

While the nation was distracted by the GOP’s failed scramble to whip enough votes to pass the American Health Care Act (AHCA), Democrats were able to quietly pass a closed-door bill that guarantees health care for undocumented peoples.

WBTW: About the Illegal Immigrant Health Care Bill

The bill, called the Wellness Beyond the Wall (WBTW) Act, ensures that undocumented immigrants will be able receive free care without facing legal repercussions regarding their residency status. Beginning April 30, anyone who came to the U.S. illegally can seek medical attention at any public hospital in the United States.

The only caveat, however, is that they’re required to truthfully inform the admitting nurse or doctor about their country of origin, which will be used to determine the level of care they’ll receive. If Americans without access to affordable health insurance claim to be illegal just to receive free care, they will be deported to the country of origin they claim at the hospital, even if they’re not really from there.

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Paying for WBTW

Here is the cost and level of care associated with WBTW, categorized into brackets based on the user’s country of origin:

  • Latin America:​ Immigrants from countries like Mexico and Guatemala will not be billed for health care but will be required to volunteer between four and 12 hours of their time building the proposed border wall.
  • The Caribbean:​ Anyone from the West Indies can receive unlimited care but instead of “receiving treatment,” patients will be cataloged in hospital records as “getting their groove back.”
  • Asia:​ No one from the Far East will receive free care unless it’s an emergency.
  • The Middle East, excluding Israel:​ Care will be issued relative to the amount of oil the home country agrees to give the United States in exchange for treating the patient.
  • Israel:​ Illegal immigrants from Israel will receive free health care.
  • Western Europe:​ Western European nations will be billed for care administered to their country’s natives, but they can choose to pay in euros or dollars, depending on the exchange rate.
  • Eastern Europe:​ Any care administered to illegal immigrants from former Soviet countries will be paid for via reverse hacking into Russia’s treasury databases.
  • African nations:​ Immigrants from Africa will receive no bill.

The WBTW Act is one of the most peculiar twists of the Republican failure to overturn Obamacare. The act, which guarantees health care to illegal immigrants, will certainly face legal challenges from Republicans. President Trump has already tweeted that the act is “not the best thing that’s ever happened” and that he “literally can’t even.”

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*This is a satirical article for April Fool’s Day. None of the information should be taken seriously and is not factually correct.