You Make More. A Lot More. Does It Matter?

Can income disparity cause strife in a relationship? Oh yeah.

I recall a young couple from my counseling days. The wife was vibrating mad and her husband was so sheepish he couldn’t peel his eyes from the floor.  Apparently, she had been busting herself to the max and earning bank. He, on the other hand, was not only a bit of a slacker, but had just bought a rather pricey home entertainment system. She was livid, and said that because she was making most of the money, he had no right to purchase such an expensive item.

When you’re the one earning substantially more than the other, some rather unpleasant–and unexpected–emotions can bubble to the surface.  Here are a few ways to overcome them and keep the peace.

Dump nonsensical gender designations. I’m constantly surprised and dismayed by the way some couples believe that the man should be the primary breadwinner. This is absolutely absurd. Yes, these may be entrenched attitudes, but analyze them for what they are: archaic and silly. As long as you have an equitable and happy partnership, value your success and enjoy being the salary superstar.

Talk about money in depth. Few couples tackle the emotional side of personal finance adequately and thoroughly, yet it’s vitally important. Discuss what the numbers on a paycheck symbolize to you both.  Mind that if you’re afraid to express your feelings about money, it speaks to a deeper problem with trust and communication. Either get over it on your own or get thee to a professional who can help you work that out, pronto.

Take a unified approach. When you couple up and start a family, it really shouldn’t matter who earns more. After all, though you are still individuals, you’re also a combined unit and ought to act like one. As long as both parties are putting forth similar effort and you’re not just meeting your immediate bills but saving for goals, the amount each of you brings in should be somewhat inconsequential. The exception? Like that couple I met with, when one is taking advantage of the other who is working longer and harder.

If it does matter, take action. OK, so in the event that the paycheck difference really is a problem and you’re weary of picking up the monitory slack, say so and figure out what to do about it. Don’t just seethe. If you think that you should have greater shopping power, set spending guidelines that the two of you can live with. Maybe you want him or her to just earn more, so plan to make that a reality. Whatever you do, explain your perspective kindly and develop solutions together.

Erica Sandberg is the author of Expecting Money: The Essential Financial Plan for New and Growing Families, a columnist/reporter for CreditCards.com, and writer for the San Francisco Chronicle’s SFGate. Her articles and insight are featured in such publications as the Wall Street Journal, Redbook, MarketWatch, Forbes.com, and Smartmoney.com. Erica is the financial education director/co-host of the web program Change Starts at Home, and a frequent guest on ABC News, Forbes Video Network, Fox Business Network, Businessweek-TV, and National Business Report. Prior to freelancing, she was affiliated with Consumer Credit Counseling Service of San Francisco for over ten years.