10 Tips for Talking With Aging Parents About Your Potential Inheritance
Written by
Caitlyn Moorhead
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Many working-age Americans assume they will receive an inheritance that will support them later in life, but that’s not necessarily always the case. With increased life expectancy, skyrocketing healthcare costs and dwindling Social Security benefits, the money you think is coming to you may just be enough to cover your parent’s retirement.
Perhaps the bigger question, though, is how to even approach this topic with your parents. You don’t want to appear greedy when asking your parents about their estate planning.
However, you do need answers to certain questions to ensure that your parents’ financial wishes are carried out and there is a smooth transition of wealth and assets. Here’s how to approach this touchy subject and get the information you need.
How To Start the Conversation
The burning question on your mind might be how much money you’ll get in your inheritance from your parents, but this amount can change over your parents’ remaining lives — so it’s not a great starting point. Plus, you don’t want your parents to mistake your question as a sense of entitlement. Instead, you should start by asking your parents about whether they have an estate plan.
Convey to them that it’s not about how much you’re getting or even the numbers in general, but wanting to fulfill their wishes with their estate out of love. It’s best for everyone if you know what your parents want to do with their assets should something happen to them.
Have Resources Handy
A good way to start this conversation is to reference a resource, such as a book or an article you read about the importance of estate planning. “No matter how you look at this, it’s such a sensitive issue,” said Gwen Morgan, author of the “What If … Workbook,” a guide that helps people give loved ones necessary information if anything happens to them.
You could share what you’ve learned or offer to let them read the resource themselves. Here are some possible resources to use:
- “Who Will Get My Money When I Die?” by Stuart Ritchie
- “Your Las Gift: Getting Your Affairs in Order” by Matthew Hutton
- “Wills, Probate, & Inheritance Tax Dummies” by Julian Knight
- “Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won’t Have To” by Mellanie Cullen
- “Family Wealth–Keeping It in the Family: How Family Members and Their Advisers Preserve Human, Intellectual, and Financial Assets for Generations” by James E. Hughes Jr.
- “The Wall Street Journal Complete Estate-Planning Guidebook” by Rachel Emma Silverman
- “You Only Die Once: A Guide to Estate Planning for You and Your Loved Ones” by Jeffrey Althaus
- “Get Your Ducks in a Row: The Baby Boomers Guide to Estate Planning” by Harry S. Margolis
Do Your Own Estate Planning
Alternatively, or in addition to referencing sources, you could say that you’re doing your own estate planning to be prepared for the future, then ask whether your parents have taken any similar steps.
“You might even acknowledge how awkward and difficult this conversation is for you as you do not wish their demise but are just trying to figure things out,” said Ruth Nemzoff, an expert in family dynamics and author of the book, “Don’t Bite Your Tongue.”
When To Have the Talk
Though it might seem counterintuitive, the holidays are a good time to address estate planning with your parents if your family will be gathering together. Having everyone together is a good time to make everyone feel included in the discussion and have all voices equally heard. Being in the same space is also beneficial to making sure everyone is on the same page, whether it’s during the holidays or not.
This doesn’t mean you should bring up your potential inheritance from your parents at the dinner table right after you ask Mom or Dad to pass the turkey, but you should take the opportunity when everyone is gathered to start a conversation.
Discuss Key Documents
Regardless of the way or when you approach the topic of an inheritance from your parents, the goal of the conversation is to make sure parents have a plan in place so there will be a clear path for whoever is left behind to go forward. Start by finding out whether they have these key legal documents in place:
- A will
- A power of attorney document that designates someone to financial and legal decisions if they are unable to do so themselves
- A living will or health care directive to designate someone to make health care decisions and specify end-of-life care
Find Out Where They Are Kept
Find out where your parents keep these documents and how you can access them if necessary. Are they in your dad’s desk drawer in the den or maybe in a lock box in the attic? They could be kept secured at the bank or with a trusted financial advisor, so be sure you can access them, whether it’s by PIN, key or other means.
Get Specifics on Funeral Arrangements
It may seem morbid, but you’ll also want to ask if your parents have written funeral or burial instructions. Make it clear that you want to honor their wishes about life support or DNRs or whether they want to be cremated or buried. Here are some examples of other important questions to ask:
- Is there a specific location they’d like to be laid to rest?
- Would they like a funeral, wake, celebration of life or perhaps nothing at all?
- If they want a gathering, would they like their guests to enjoy their favorite flowers or music, have a specific food served or are there other curated details they’d like to include?
- How about having a preferred minister or priest speak?
Gain Access to Accounts
You also need to ask your parents to provide other important information so you can handle their finances if they are unable to or when they die. This could be the time to determine who in your family will be the executor of your parent’s estate.
Here are some important items to discuss:
- Account numbers and passwords
- Insurance policies and contact information for their insurers
- Contact information for their accountant, attorney, financial planner or other financial professional
- Contact information for their retirement plan or pension administrator
What If Your Parents Aren’t Comfortable Handing Over Information
Morgan said most parents will not be willing to provide their children with their account numbers and passwords. So, she recommends that you ask your parents to make a list of accounts or use the “What If … Workbook” to record important financial information and store it in a fireproof safe in their home along with their Social Security card, passport, deeds and other important documents.
Final Take To GO: Read the Room
While it makes sense in a lot of ways, asking your parents about their finances during times of turmoil may not be the best time to broach an awkward topic. Your parents might think you’re touching on the topic only because you’re concerned about whether there will be money left for you.
If possible, wait until things are “normal” to have big conversations about their estate. Chances are, they’ll appreciate that you are approaching them when they’re not in a tight spot.
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