Ramit Sethi: 4 Questions To Start a Money Talk With Your Partner
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Jordan Rosenfeld
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Molly Sullivan
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Talking about money with a romantic partner can be challenging for a variety of reasons, but especially in the dating phase. If you find this difficult, you’re not alone; Americans struggle with money discussions in general, according to Empower Research. As much as 62% of people don’t talk about money with anyone in their family, including a partner or spouse. Yet financial conversations are key to making positive financial decisions.
To break the ice on money discussions with someone you’re dating, money expert Ramit Sethi suggested in a recent newsletter that you ask four questions. These questions manage to be revealing without being too probing and allow you to get some hints, if not outright answers, on the differences between you and your partner.
Here are the four questions to ask while dating.
Question 1: Family Fun
The first question Sethi recommended asking is: “What did your family do for fun when you were growing up?”
He pointed out that if your new partner says they went skiing in Aspen versus, say, seeking out free and low cost events like the public library or one dollar days at a movie theater, “this tells you a lot about their upbringing and their likely views on money.”
While you should be careful not to make too many assumptions — for example, maybe that trip to Aspen was a once in a lifetime family reunion and not a regular thing — it’s an opening into their money habits and expectations. You might go even further and ask, “What are some ways you enjoy having fun that don’t cost money?”
Question 2: Tipping Habits
The next question you can ask gets at the idea of generosity and how willing your partner is to spend money on the right things. By asking your partner “How much should we tip?” or even just observing what they do when you go out to a meal, you can glean a lot of information, Sethi said.
“Does your date offer to split costs? Do they tip? Are they generous, proactive, and considerate? These qualities show up early,” Sethi wrote.
However, again, don’t let this be your only test of generosity. If your partner’s funds are super low, perhaps they are being modest with their tips. Or they prefer to eat at restaurants where they know the staff are well paid besides their tips. Be careful not to draw hard assumptions without getting more information.
Question 3: Future Goals
The third question Sethi recommended asking can help you get a read on how aligned you and a partner are on your future goals. Sethi recommended asking “How do you picture your future?” He posited that if a person has developed “a crystal-clear vision” of their life, this is a good thing for both of you to know and discuss.
Sethi said that while this question can seem “shockingly forward and is usually best held until later in the dating process” to people “in the West,” in other cultures, it’s natural to discuss these things early on. He pointed out that his own parents met and got married seven days later, so they had to be direct with their future goals.
However, remember that just because someone doesn’t know what they want or have a dramatic vision yet, doesn’t mean they won’t or that they might not like the vision you have set. Be open.
Question 4: Sharing Costs
The fourth question Sethi recommended you ask a partner is specific to taking a first trip together: “Can we talk about how to pay for this trip we’re taking next month?”
He suggested that a first trip is a perfect opportunity to talk about money because “it’s low stakes, both of you want to impress each other with how easygoing you are, and you likely have different views on who should pay and what’s worth it.” In other words, it’s a great test of how you communicate about wants, needs and finances.
He recommended you engage in that conversation with a solid idea of what you want, however, otherwise it may be too easy to let them dictate the terms.
While these four questions are just a few of those you can ask, any opening about money that feels organic or right is a good one. The goal is to get talking early, so that you can negotiate problems productively and build a solid financial foundation if you choose to partner up.
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