3 Tips To Keep Financial Boundaries With Your Adult Child
Written by
Cindy Lamothe
Edited by
Rebekah Evans
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Setting financial boundaries, especially financial ones, with adult children presents some unique challenges. On the one hand, you want to help them out when they’re in a bind. But you don’t want to make them dependent on you, either.
“Unlike when your kids were younger, they have a better understanding of money, how much you might have and are more sophisticated in their attempts to leverage their requests for support,” said Caleb Birkhoff, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) with Golden Gate Counseling Services.
“The best boundaries that we set with anyone, adult children included, are set ahead of time to create clear expectations,” he explained.
“It’s the reason that the speed limits associated with driving are so effective. The limit is clear, known and the consequence is also expected,” Birkhoff added. “Ideally when supporting adult children financially you would take a similar approach; they know ahead of time how much you are willing to help, what you’re willing to help for and how often that help is available.”
Below are some expert-backed tips to help you keep financial boundaries with your adult child.
Your Boundaries Aren’t Up for Discussion
“You do not owe your adult child an explanation of why you have made the decisions you have made around money, especially when you are supporting them, but it is good to have an answer to that question,” Birkhoff said.
He explained that the ideal boundaries anticipate follow up questions when they are set and firmly let them know they are not up for discussion.
“Think about it as the polite and respectful ‘take it or leave it approach,’ he said. “These are my terms and conditions, it is up to you to decide if you like them — or can tolerate them.”
Don’t Pull All Financial Support With No Warning
One common mistake parents make regarding setting financial boundaries with their adult children that can damage relationships is pulling all financial support suddenly, with no warning.
Having a discussion first is one thing, but pulling all support at once without having that conversation can leave them floundering.
Not only can it cause major financial struggles suddenly for the child — which in and of itself can cause strain in the relationship — but the child may feel incredibly disrespected or disregarded by their parent.
Having a conversation about it first shows respect and understanding.
Know When To Intervene and When Not To
“As parents, we want our children to grow up and live their best lives possible, realizing it will often require some help from us,” said Dr. Adolph Brown, clinical psychologist, relationship and parenting expert and co-host of “The Parent Test” on ABC.
He noted that the limits to impose without damaging the relationships begin with knowing when to intervene and help with monetary resources and when not to.
“This can become convoluted when we painfully observe our adult children suffering the consequences of their poor money decision making,” Brown added. “The first tip is not to own their issues.”
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