Ramit Sethi: Here’s the ‘Biggest Red Flag of All’ When It Comes to Money and Relationships
Written by
Mary Green
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Amber Barkley
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Most people look for a romantic partner who shares their financial values and has similar life goals, whether that means living a life of luxury or embracing a minimalist existence. Incompatibility in these areas is often a deal breaker or “red flag.”
Personal finance expert Ramit Sethi says there is an even bigger red flag that people tend to overlook. The number one financial red flag isn’t having different values — it’s being unable to talk about money at all.
“If your partner simply will not talk about money, you have a huge problem,” Sethi explained in an interview on Instagram.
Many people get uncomfortable when it’s time to talk about money. Fortunately, there are some tried and true ways to get better at having those important conversations.
Couples Should Talk About Finances Frequently
Sethi stressed that it’s OK to have different values and approaches to dealing with money, but it is essential to talk to your partner about it.
Not only that, but talking about money shouldn’t be a one-time event. Ideally, “we want to have lots of conversations about money,” Sethi said.
If your partner refuses to talk about money, they’re not just avoiding one big conversation. They’re avoiding an ongoing dialogue that should be a regular part of your shared life.
Therapists agree that couples must be able to talk effectively about money, according to Choosing Therapy. Issues like income levels and spending habits may be important, but they’re not as important as the ability to discuss finances. Transparency and openness about money are very important for your relationship.
Talking to Financially ‘Avoidant’ People
Most people don’t love talking about money, but some are more avoidant than others. Sethi said, “Avoiders hate talking about money. And they will use a series of conscious and unconscious techniques to avoid talking about money.”
Those techniques may include downplaying the importance of finances, procrastinating or outright refusing to make financial decisions. All of these approaches can create an unfair situation and can breed resentment. Guess who’s stuck making those decisions when your partner refuses to have the tough conversations?
Improving Your Financial Conversations
If you have a financially avoidant partner, don’t despair. There are still ways to get them into a conversation about finances.
Therapists suggest setting up a specific time to talk about money, ideally when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any major problems weighing on you. In other words, don’t wait until your car breaks down and the roof springs a leak.
Plan out exactly what you’ll discuss, and don’t try to talk about everything at once. It can also help to meet somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop.
Remember to be compassionate and kind. Money is a red-button issue for many people, and talking about it can trigger major insecurities. Do your best to reassure your partner that the two of you are on the same team and that you don’t want an adversarial relationship. Hopefully, this attitude will help get the financial conversation going forward!
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