If you’re not just a football fan, but a die-hard 24/7 football fan, how do you show the outside world just how serious you are? All-day tailgates? Face paint and a costume straight out of “Mad Max” on game day? Or a three-piece barbecue tote that makes up for a lack of quality by having the official logo of your team on a pair of tongs?
If merchandise is how you project your fandom, the NFL’s licensing division has you covered every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Let’s check out some of the most ridiculous team gear that’s available for sale on Amazon.
Arizona Cardinals — Dart Cabinet Set
Sure, you’ve been throwing darts at your picture of Matt Leinart for more than a decade — so long it’s barely recognizable now. Switch to this dartboard cabinet and you’ll be able to hide the evidence of your rage.
Atlanta Falcons — Imperial Park Bench
This elegant wooden park bench is covered in red and black plastic, Falcons style. All for the low-low price of $359. That’s an uncomfortably high price — almost as uncomfortable as remembering the Falcons blew a 25-point lead in Super Bowl LI.
Baltimore Ravens — Duck House Mason Jar Glass
Hipsters can be NFL fans, too. Look the part with this 20-ounce glass mason jar. There’s just one problem: According to the vast majority of Amazon reviewers, your Ravens decal will fall off after a couple of washes.
Buffalo Bills — 4X4 Team Decal 2-Pack Set
Do you love the Buffalo Bills as much as you love making sure others know that your vehicle has all-wheel drive? This 4×4 decal set comes with two decals — for both sides of your rear window!
Carolina Panthers — Men's Traditional Toe Western Boot
The maker of these boots, Old Pro Leathers, knows what’s up. Not just any pair of cowboy boots is sufficient to wear on game day. What the diehard fan really needs is a pricey pair of boots with a barely-distinguishable Panthers logo on the shin.
Chicago Bears — OYO Sports Parade Bus Set
The Chicago Bears and their fans last experienced a real Super Bowl parade in 1986. In some sense, then, a Lego knock-off parade bus set seems fitting.
Cincinnati Bengals — Mini Boxing Gloves
This pair of 4-inch gloves is designed to hang on your rearview mirror. And after all, what says “favorite football team” like miniature boxing gloves?
Cleveland Browns — Utility Multi-Tool
When you flee to the woods following the Browns’ latest loss, make sure to bring your multi-tool. In fact, this 12-piece tool gives you a lot more options than the Browns have at quarterback this year.
Dallas Cowboys — Acacia Pizza Peel
Nothing says “real Texas tailgating” like pizza! Prep for a big Cowboys-Giants matchup by showing the folks from New York City that real pizza is made with a Dallas Cowboys pizza peel.
Denver Broncos — 5-Piece Wall Art
Show all of the other donors in the Denver Art Museum Founder’s Circle that the first Saturday of every month might be free admission, but every fall Sunday is for football.
Detroit Lions — Holiday Nutcracker
Would it be better or worse if this nutcracker were wearing a football helmet instead of his traditional hat?
Green Bay Packers — "I Am" Sticker Decal
What exactly do the Green Bay Packers and Groot from “Guardians of the Galaxy” have in common besides the letter “G?” Groot does look dashing in his Packers jersey — he’s even wearing shoulder pads.
Houston Texans — Mens Floral Tropical Button-Up Shirt
If you’re a Texans fan you’re still allowed to also love garish Hawaiian shirts. On Amazon the reviews for this shirt are universally positive. “This shirt was a show-stopper! Everyone complimented it,” one reviewer wrote.
Indianapolis Colts — Woodrow Denny Ukulele
When you’re playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with your acoustic ensemble in a downtown Indianapolis coffee shop, everyone will know the song is dedicated to Andrew Luck without you even having to say it — if you’re playing on your Indianapolis Colts ukulele!
Jacksonville Jaguars — Star Wars House Flag
For that hardcore Jacksonville Jaguars fan who loves Star Wars cross-promotions from four years ago, this BB-8 and Jags flag will surely hit the spot.
Kansas City Chiefs — 3-Tiered Serving Ladder
Presenting the Kansas City Chiefs three-tiered serving ladder: For the tailgate that has a dress code.
Los Angeles Chargers —Distressed Area Rug
Sometimes you just need a giant rug for your man cave. This 8×11-foot area rug features a “distressed” look — the look someone might have after spending $500 on a novelty rug, for instance.
Los Angeles Rams — Pro Toaster Elite
Everyone heard about the St. Louis Rams moving to Los Angeles except for this brave little toaster factory. Forlorn St. Louisans can eat their feelings, one slice of toasted rye at a time.
Miami Dolphins — 5 Gallon Water Cooler Cover
Spandex isn’t just for running shorts. Dress up your water cooler bottle with this 100% spandex cover. The copy on Amazon notes that the cover also fits propane tanks and flower pots. Coordinate your entire backyard!
Minnesota Vikings — High Heel Shoe Bottle Holder
If you’re thinking, “this Minnesota Vikings high heel shoe bottle holder doesn’t go with my wine stopper,” then you’re in luck. There’s a matching Vikings high heel shoe bottle stopper also available.
New England Patriots — Apple Watch-Compatible Stainless Steel Mesh Band
If you’re dying to add one more tastefully done Patriots logo to your Sunday afternoon arsenal, then swapping out your regular Apple Watch band for this stainless steel number is just the thing to do.
New Orleans Saints — Foamhead Hat
Finally a hat that looks like a door knocker from the French Quarter. Show your Saints pride with one of the most awkward looking foam hats of all time.
New York Giants — LED Night Light Table Lamp
Are you afraid of the dark? Or just the New York Giants quarterback situation? For a more restful night’s sleep, use this New York Giants nightlight.
New York Jets — Potluck Casserole Tote
Nothing says, “I’m going to need this casserole baking dish back at the end of the game or I’ll never hear the end of it,” like this New York Jets casserole tote. Bring your famous nacho dip to your next tailgate in style and there’s no way you’ll forget to bring it home.
Oakland Raiders — Draft Door Stopper
This Oakland Raiders draft door stopper should be able to stop more than the team’s defense did last year. On the positive side, at least it’s not a Raiders doormat.
Philadelphia Eagles — Cheese Board and Tool Set
This Philadelphia Eagles cheese board and tool set comes with a reminder to Philly fans that the knives and tools should remain at the tailgate and are not to be brought into the stadium under any circumstances.
Pittsburgh Steelers — Woodrow NorthEnder Electric Guitar
This Pittsburgh Steelers guitar rocks, rolls, and also doesn’t have to deal with Antonio Brown anymore. Wah-wah pedal to simulate the team’s cattiness last year not included.
San Francisco 49ers — Shower Curtain
This isn’t any old shower curtain — it’s a mildew-proof shower curtain, with giant hands showing the San Francisco 49ers logo. In other words, it’s impressive.
Seattle Seahawks —Salt and Peper Shakers
Team logos are the best if they’re displayed everywhere — including on basic kitchen tools like salt and pepper shakers. Who isn’t tailgating with Seahawks salt and pepper shakers, for that matter?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Premium Chef Coat
If you’re not buying a Hawaiian shirt with your team’s logo, please buy a chef coat instead. Amazon reviewers says the coat wears well and “exceeds expectations.”
Tennessee Titans — Plush Mascot Doll
This Tennessee Titans stuffed mascot is 1) vaguely terrifying and 2) quite expensive for a 9-inch-tall toy. In other words, the perfect gift for the completist Titans fan.
Washington Redskins —Tiffany-Style Stained Glass Pool Table 3-Shade Light
Buy the vintage billiards table lamp that looks like it’s from an era when Washington’s team name was still uncontroversial.
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